Belonging vs. Fitting In
You know the feeling. When you can relax a bit. Let down your guard. When you are given the benefit of the doubt. Where people just “get” you. Fitting in is a different vibe. You might feel a bit tired after those interactions. A little nervous. Not sure you said or did the right thing. You may need to dress differently, talk differently, suppress your needs, laugh at jokes you don’t find funny.
Take a moment to take inventory. When have you had to try to fit in? When did you belong?
When I joined Goldman Sachs in my 20s, I belonged. Immediately. These were my people. I fell in love with so many of my coworkers. We laughed and cried at work. We gossiped, we cheered, we inspired, we were inspired.
When I worked for two non-profits right out of college, I had to fit in. Right off the bat my boss informed me I didn’t look “professional” enough and instructed me to buy a new jacket. I should have high-tailed it out of there then, but I was young and insecure. (In my opinion, “looking professional” is a euphemism for looking the way they want you to look. It is changeable and subjective — but this topic is for a another blog).
I have had experiences where I thought I belonged but then things changed and I had to work too hard to fit in. Sometimes we outgrow places. Sometimes places change. The key is to notice and respond.
When I became a mom, I became the most social I had ever been. I found belonging so easily. So many of us were struggling, adapting to being parents and there was so much honesty and vulnerability. My little village of Glenwood was a haven for me. We watched each others kids, we encouraged each other to rest, we shared our worries and our accomplishments. We relied on each other. We were evolving together. Becoming a mother is some serious shit and we learned to laugh and share together. What luck.
Now my husband and I are entering a new phase. A phase where people are making choices about where to live, where to work. We are redefining our relationship to our adult children, to our work, to our spouse, our friends and our parents. It’s a grand reshuffle where so many identities shift.
As I consider the flurry of options, I have found serenity in Wild Writing. Taking time out of my day to write what feels true. To put the thoughts swirling in my head onto the page. To map out my true north.
One of the phrases we often say in Wild Writing is “we love you already”. The hope is that this will help us let go of the desire to impress or try to earn people’s approval. It will allow us to let go of the need to perform or to entertain. It’s an opportunity to take off our mask. This is where true belonging lives. And in the safety of this community, I am figuring out my next adventure.
Click here to learn more about Wild Writing Classes (my schedule for the fall is open!). Click here to learn more about my coaching practice where I help people figure out where they truly belong.
